Planetshakers-Here I Am

Chords


Of all the songs to put, I chose this. Maybe it's nostalgic in a sense, significant to me.

Why? The first time I ever heard this song was almost exactly one year ago. Guan You played it for worship, and well, it impacted me deeply cause it was one of the worst moments in Church and Cell. I told myself I would change, no longer backslide, and yea, I know I was wrong.

Cause I've realised, almost nothing about me has changed. I'm still almost the same spiritually. I haven't really grown at all. This whole year was just me backsliding repeatedly, and though I have changed in some ways, the truth is I'm still pretty much the same kind of person I was one year ago.

In one year I've learned how to play that song on the guitar, I've learned that people changed, I've been back stabbed by friends, I've confronted people, and still, it's all superficial, I still don't know whether I did the right thing. I'm still the same, no matter how much I've learned, how much I've changed, I still backslide, I still screw up.

Went to Geylang for supper after cell today, however unusual it was, it was ironically one of the places I grew up in. Saw my old Nursery at Geylang Methodist, although it's now a carpark. =D And ironically, the last time I went there for supper was also one year ago, just after I went to FOP Hillsong and Delirious at the indoor stadium. I remember feeling exhilarated then, and walking all the way from the indoor stadium to the mrt just to miss the last train, then my father coming to fetch me and the two of us going for supper.

I guess this year was probably the worst year of my life so far. I would give anything to go back and change everything. I would at least try to stop backsliding, I would correct mistakes I made, I would definitely not be one week late.

It's just so hard to live with that fact.

I don't want to be the one having to correct myself, I don't want to be the one always doing the right thing. I never asked for any of this, yet I'm hated by the very person I thought was my friend cause I was doing the right thing? And yet I'm the evil person for not forgiving. How can I bring myself to forgive someone and "do the right thing" when he hated me for doing the right thing in the first place?

Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe I have always been deluding myself. Maybe I'm wrong, and lying/saying vulgarities/backstabbing is the right thing to do. In the process of trying to do the right thing, I realise I might have done the exact opposite.

I wish I could be told what to do, I wish someone would just tell me what I'm supposed to do step by step so I can just follow and not have to think about anything. I want to just numb everything and not care about anything anymore. I can just worry about myself from now on.

I want to stop backsliding, I want to start all over again, just like last year, except now I've gone through fights, quarrels, I know I might have been too harsh, I'm sorry. I still don't know why, but I'm learning to live with it.
Here I Am Send Me.