7th July 2006

I'm probably going through one of the worse times in my life.

Today was sports day. And how did we participate? We stood around for 2hours+ in shifts. Quite a boring way to participate. But for the first time in a few weeks I could just stand still and focus on what my life was all about. Of course, I got distracted a few times by Mr. Ang or Joey Sir or someone trying to cut through. But those few hours weren't put to waste really, I think I know what I should do now.

Yesterday night though, was the real crusher. Went for dinner with my family, and i forgot to bring my ppc to hear music..immediately regretted it on the way back. Yea I overheard my parents talking, and trying to ignore what they said was impossible unless i covered my ears. Maybe I shouldn't have heard it, but somehow, what they said did fit in with the situation now.

Yea, I realized then that my Church, was going through worse problems than anything I had gone through before. It's so bad that some part of me wishes I could go back to before, when I wasn't exactly a Christian and I was ignorant about Church problems, some part of me wishes I did not go for dinner with my family.

But I heard it, and because I did, I realised that everything, every part of my life, is completely crashing down on me.

I always thought of my Church to be the righteous place, where almost everyone was a Christian, everyone cared, that Church was different from school life. But looking at the problems we are facing, I was mistaken all along. My Church is going through almost the same problems as the class, if not worse. The place where I thought was holy and where people were Christians suddenly turns out to have the worst problems.

And if I ever thought I was problems, they all seem peanuts compared to what my father must be going through right now. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be in his shoes, how he can take the pressure. If he can pull through this, why can't I? I feel just so stressed out with everything, but yet, my troubles are nothing compared to his.

But yet, I just feel like giving up, like not caring about whether someone is affected by someone else's actions. Like fading away and letting others take over, but the problem is, who is there to take over if I give up? What would happen if I didn't confront Tze Jie about his actions towards Kenny? Who in his right mind will go against his friends?

But what would happen to Kenny if I didn't confront Tze Jie? Wouldn't everything still continue? Or will someone stop it? If I don't do this, who will? You?

If you would please tell me cause I'm sick and tired of having to remind people to do the right thing. I'm sick of having to confront people and having to stand up of others, don't you people have a conscience? Now everything is crashing down around me and people tell me I'm selfish and contradicting myself. Perfect. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

There are other things, but I won't blog about them, because it would cause a commotion and everyone's spirits will be dampened. Right now I just feel like going to Heaven and enjoy an eternal life of happiness, but I can't, things still need to be done.